His affection always eludes me
But not for lack of trying
His endless chatter slips into repeated attempts
to open my soul and mind.
I confused his kindness with thoughtful interest
carefully crafted responses seemed to imitate compassion
But the conversations were constructed to placate, not to soothe
Words were never offered to comfort, merely to pacify and deflect
False consideration masked the true intent to manipulate
My foolish heart didn’t recognize what’s now achingly clear
His words, so full and meaningful when forming promises of indefinite companionship –
And yet, the same mouth spilling such kindness and promise
never hesitated when saying goodbye
The audacity to offer condolences and feign tortured grief
as if causing heartache could be easily forgiven
as long as it was bestowed with well rehearsed phrases
and offered with a promise of future false friendship.
i seek companionship (in haste) to avoid loneliness
only to find a deeper solitude … in isolation
too ashamed to admit a decision made from fear
too naive to recognize a commitment without a bond
too fearful to believe the separation is only temporary
too numb to notice that option just slipped away.
I know what I told everyone
I’ve repeated the lines in my head so many times
I was beginning to question the stranger spewing the well-rehearsed story
from lips that resembled my own
my story grew tiresome and depressing
Common sense screamed in my ear to move on without remorse
retrospect is a cruel and unforgiving viewpoint
my heart will always offer a compelling argument for impetuous behavior
a dull pain still lingers
so hard to understand how illusions create such realistic side effects
call it instinct or intuition
what once was justification for the inner thrill
became an appreciation to understand the inner peace
at the right time
with the right choice
the bitter taste left behind by the sour words you kept repeating has faded to reveal someone different
the resentful cynic you feared might make a home, wandered off to join the utterances of a jilted heart in vain
… and then you have that moment of clarity ..
I had to go through that to understand this. ❤
“The public takes from a writer, or a writing, what it needs and lets the remainder go.
but what they take is usually what they need least and what they let go is what they need most.”
CHARLES BUKOWSKI, Notes of a Dirty Old Man
A couple of months ago, I found myself diving head first and eyes closed into the world of blogging. My ‘public’ literary contributions up to that point were limited to stale requisite business proposals at work or cryptic social media updates – ah yes, masterpieces that only a mother could love .. well, assuming your mom was also your boss or she actually knew how to use her Facebook account…
Nope, I was a total newbie to this groovy scene. Without any expectations (or even a plan), I decided to share my thoughts, inspirations and my heart.
Two months and a little over 20 posts later … I’m still finding my way and my voice. The best part that I never saw coming were the incredibly talented bloggers I’ve met in this short period of time!
One in particular. An amazing woman and a clever fellow blogger, shareenayoub, just nominated me for…
The Versatile Blogger Award!!
I’m not sure where to begin with my appreciation, but I suspect the best way is a sincere “Thank You” and a promise to keep earning this awesome nomination. Shareenayoub, I am honored and grateful for your support
If you haven’t seen her blog, then you must check out her brilliance:
This nomination is truly flattering … and a little scary because I’m also supposed to share 7 things about me that no one knows (and I had planned to keep it that way) …
Oh well, here goes:
1. I’m a documentary freak.. My entire Netflix queue is filled with every documentary available at any given time. Pick a subject, any subject. If someone has made a documentary about it.. I’m sure I’ve seen it. (trust me, they make ‘em about everything from sushi to porn)
2. I love to floss my teeth .. aside from sounding like I’m trying to impress my dentist, at least this factoid is a healthy one.
3. I went to a fortune-teller/psychic many years ago and still try to recall if any of his predictions for my life have proven to be accurate thus far.
4. I say a little prayer every time I see an ambulance roar by with its sirens blaring.. someone’s mother, father, sibling or child is in there and … maybe it could help?
5. I miss school. Yes, a career is nice and pays the bills, but I’m a sucker for education.
6. I’m a hopeless romantic that hates ‘chick flicks’. Okay, hate may be a bit strong… but let’s just say that I believe a good action flick is totally ruined when they insert a silly love story to attract the female moviegoers. Ummmm, no. Let me enjoy the hot shirtless leading man fighting off evil (and yes, he should remain shirtless throughout) without the distraction of some random helpless chick arbitrarily inserted into the story for no particular reason than to distract him from saving the world… without his shirt.
7. I know almost every word to almost every cheesy eighties pop song in existence and will happily sing along whenever and wherever I hear one…until someone asks me to do karaoke. That’s where I draw the line.
Thanks for letting me (over)share.
Please check out these amazing, entertaining and equally versatile blogs – they all rock and deserve this honor:
2. Word Musing
10. HarsH ReaLiTy
12. The Grimm Report
Given freely to one
unaware of its worth,
He is a child with a new toy
eager with anticipation
and limitless fascination,
bursting with unrestrained delight
and endless curiosity.
She cautions him,
“Don’t break it, it’s fragile”
words often uttered
but rarely heeded,
a phrase often discarded too quickly
by the careless hands
that embrace the new gift.
is not considerate of caution,
since the object of this game is…
the game itself.
“It’s safe with me”
The promise seems genuine,
spoken with sincerity attributed
to child-like naïveté,
there’s an insatiable desire
to conquer the elusive prize
And yet, she offers it willingly …
Embraced with delight and adulation
no one else has it but him
‘It’s new – It’s mine
It’s just too delicate
… a brief pause …
The flicker starts to fade,
the novelty dissolves,
his grip loosens
and the once-coveted gift
is casually tossed aside,
slowly falling to the bottom
of the toy box …
this ‘toy’ is no longer fun
now that it’s broken…
“As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be, you can’t see how it is.”
— Ram Dass, Be Here Now
He sits down at the table with unparalleled confidence
His wits as sharp as blades,
his skills finely tuned and his stacks
piled high before him,
failure isn’t an option
or even a passing thought
This early in the game,
Clubs are all he seeks
He dances with delight as the flop promises the thrill he eagerly awaits…
He grunts in disbelief
the thrill was fleeting,
the cost only minor.
Diamonds… he recalls the advice
from a seasoned shark
Diamonds melt the icy gaze of his elusive adversaries
the toughest read is now transparent,
all he has to do is lead the hand
and close the deal…
He sinks into his chair.
It seemed so promising,
His stacks dwindling – he’s not done.
His wisdom now emerges – replete with cynicism
New strategy…every expression
carefully calculated and deliberately devoid of expression
He sets out to diminish his previous setback in Spades
He’s patient and floats around the turn…
But now he couldn’t tell
He stares woefully at his Bachelor Hand…
His well-crafted strategy, pulled from his hands and promptly discarded
Contemplation now replaces impetuousness
Focus now replaces impatience
Understanding now replaces irrationality
Drawing from a wealth of experience … but limited reserves
He is playing with Hearts now,
the risk is greater – so is the reward
he glides down the river
and finally enjoys
the intoxicating thrill of this game…
… with pure luck.